okay so,
worst case scenario happened and I haven’t spoken to my mom basically, but she made it pretty clear after I confronted her about the abuse that she isn’t going to support me financially. And I mean obviously, my back-up plan of Seattle/having a home is out, and my dad is homeless and I guess lives in Tuscon now? I don’t even know.
so. time to start realistically assessing where I am and how to get by.
I have nothing to lose, basically.
My brain says run away to the desert, but I feel like that is not the best plan.
On my last $250 dollars.
finding work seems kind of impossible, BUT
I am kicking some freaking ass combatting depression and I feel better than I have in pretty much my entire life. I found out that my name actually mean Rising (like the light). I told off my abusers. I finally dealt with my extremely traumatic, fucked up past. I have self-esteem. I have so much love for myself. I have a lot of drive right now. fuck therapists, fuck doctors, fuck my parents. I am on my own. But I can do this. I will do this. I am the only person who has ever given myself the support and strength I need. I am the only one who saved myself from dying. I co-wrote a 100,000 dollar grant when I was 16. I volunteered for 40 hours a week for an entire year, I bussed home at midnight every night, I survived so many years of abuse, I toured the fucking country (eastern seaboard) last year. I am strong. I am accomplished. I took care of every single member of my bio family, was each of their caretakers, got them through their roughest times, and watched each of them turn their backs on me. I left my house over and over again. I started trying to become an emancipated minor when I was 14. I CAN DO THIS.
I AM A SURVIVOR GODDAMNIT.
I was at my absolute weakest, my most hopeless last week, I lived through my worst case abuse confrontation scenario. My mom didn’t believe me, she doesn’t love me, she’s not going to support me. Okay.
I can do this. I will make my life important. I will find my dreams and I will follow them. Everything feels so hopeless, but it’s not. it’s not. it’s not. it’s not.
anastasis.
I will do this.
