if she says to you, smoking cigarettes on the tall back patio “they kicked me out of delinquent delinquent school, so i had to go to secret failed out of that school. it met underground in a beauty parlor that was supposed to be a secret. there was a big sign for the beauty parlor out front, and inside just the school they sent you to when you got kicked out of all the other ones. what was funny is, it was right next to the convenience store where the owners supplied me with the weed i sold. anyways, the therapist there paid me to read a book”
"how much did she pay you?"
"what was the book"
"she paid me five dollars to read go ask alice"
at the school for not good enough, concealed behind the walls of the beauty parlor, they paid you five dollars to read go ask alice
of course they did
1:20 am • 29 September 2014 • 1 note
loser pt II
first off, i just have to say that in the loner chapter, the guy opens by talking about the freaking hanson song lonely boy and, i am from seattle. i can name a million songs about a million different lonely boys and they would all give a much richer analysis than… hanson? ugh, try harder
I am going to try to talk about the ways that ‘loser’ is tied up in my sexuality. I’m going to try. They talk about this in the book too, how the process of understanding yourself as a loser ends up separating your mind from your body. That identification as a loser means separating from your desire. With the implicit recognition that your body wants things that you can’t achieve. I saw you sitting at your t-shirt stand with all your cool friends/i don’t want you/i don’t want you/i heard you say you’re not good enough for me
So knowing then, that who you are precludes your desires, seems like loser-dom to me. I really have no line in my head about my queerness and my loserness. They are so intimately related as to be two sides of the same coin. The way that i want is in a way that is intrinsically restrained and private. There is no way of differentiating between being a weird faggy boy failing at masculinity and a weird poor loser failing at masculinity for me, there is no space for me to figure out why i am only attracted to people who i can only visualize rejection from. But I’ll be honest, I’ll tell you that’s exactly a crucial component of anyone I’ve been attracted to in the last five years. I think of it as a problem, but it’s not. It’s complicated. Nothing more than my desire has marked me so indelibly to myself as a loser.
It makes sense that my desire contours in that way, she wears short skirts i wear t-shirts/i don’t wanna stop/i don’t wanna stop. I’m not trying to shirk my past, I’m not trying to get rid of the only thing that feels grounded for me. That’s the place that desire comes from. From what you can’t deny, from what comes out no matter how little you understand it. Like, what my body wants comes from what it can understand about itself, as a body. My body knows about abuse and loss and yearning. It knows about all kinds of impossible desire. Specifically, the desire to win, to not be poor, to be thin or packed with muscle. Every inch of my body knows intimately how strong the desire not to be abused is, but also how impossible.
I don’t want to be with this pretty girl who likes to mess with my head because i want to win. It’s more complicated than that. It’s about how my body can only want what it knows, and how separate i have made my desire from my mind. Necessarily, logically, intelligently, i have built a room inside my body where desire can live. My body knows it is a loser body, a losing body. The idea of public desire is a total joke to me, to be honest. I’m trying to say that i don’t know how to desire from outside of a loser positionality, but that feels comfortable and good and okay. I don’t really want my desire to run counter to my own interpretation of myself.
what i find desirable is private longing. is the sense that it is never, ever going to happen and that’s safe, that i am hidden. i don’t want to win. my body is going to keep wanting, my mind is going to keep telling me it’s wrong, and i’m going to keep losing. and i’m not going to stop articulating that, or learning about what it means for me, or writing about it. i don’t resent my loser body for wanting what it wants
don’t say a word/i know you feel the same/just give me a sign/say anything, say anything
please don’t walk away/i know you wanna stay/just give me a sign/say anything
2:22 am • 28 September 2014 • 6 notes
i turned 21 four days ago and i’m already worried about/monitoring my alcohol consumption fuuuuck u genetics :(
6:40 pm • 27 September 2014 • 2 notes
Here is my fave version of “Nervous and Weird” I’m not gonna write about it I’m just gonna post some lyrics because they are the best lyrics
you know I want to be the way you want me to
big-hearted and tall enough to cover you
I would break in half if you said it loud
splinter out of myself just like mercury
I think it’s better now than how it used to be
you were lying in bed and I would levitate
I think it’s better here than where we used to be
I wish I could go out into the Oregon sun
to be alive in the day, I’d smile at everyone
I remember you back in ‘83
you were dressing insane, you were my everything
you were so different from all those other girls
a blind Electra in drag, so cool and casually lame
I think I’m better now than how I used to be
always nervous and weird, scared most of the time
I think it’s better now than how it used to be
always up in the night, afraid to live in the day
afraid of being afraid
It might be a great day for me to finally listen to all of rgr’s everclear recs, my life is nervous and weird and scared rn but emphasis on weird as fuck
5:35 pm • 27 September 2014 • 21 notes